
\ 



The New Pastor 




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DICK & HTZGERALD, Publishers, 
NEW YORK, 





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THE NEW PASTOR 



A Vaudeville Sketch in One Act 



By WILLIS N. BUGBEE 

Author of "Merry Old Mai(J&," " My Bachelors," "Easter 
Tidings," " Christmas Medley," etc. 



Copyright, 1912, by Dick & Fitzgerald 



NEW YORK 

DICK & FITZGERALD 
18 ANN STREET 



\^' 






THE NEW PASTOR 



CHARACTERS 

Mr. Brown The host 

Rev. Mr. Peters - The new pastor 

Mrs. Brown The hostess 

Miss Colton Actress and friend of Mrs. Brown 

Time of Playing. — About thirty minutes. 



COSTUMES 

Mr. Peters wears a ministerial garb; others wear 
modern evening costumes. 



STAGE DIRECTIONS 

As seen by a performer on the stage, facing the audience, 
R. means right hand; l.. left hand; c. center of stage; l. c. 
left center; r. c. right center; r. d. right door; l. d. left 
door. UP means toward back of stage; down, toward 
footlights. 



TMP92-008752 

©CI.D 30417 



THE NEW PASTOR 



Scene. — The Browns' parlor at 6 P. M. The room should 
be well furnished. Doors at r., l., and r. c. Chairs 
R. and L. A small table at c. Mr. Brown is DIS- 
COVERED reading magazine. 

ENTER Mrs. Brown, r. c. 

Mr. B. Well, my dear, it's nearly time for our guests to 
arrive. They were to be here at six o'clock and (Looks at 
watch) it lacks but two minutes of six now. 

Mrs. B. Oh, dear, I feel awfully worried about it. 
I don't know how I'm going to manage. 

Mr. B. Why, haven't you enough to eat? 

Mrs. B. There's plenty to eat. That isn't it. 

Mr. B. My dear, you shouldn't harbor any secrets 
from your beloved spouse. 

Mrs. B. You know very well what it is. 

Mr. B. Search me. 

Mrs. B. It's the crazy idea of inviting the new minis- 
ter to dinner at the same time that Lottie is to come. 

Mr. B. The more the merrier is my idea. I can't 
see what harm it does to have them both here together. 

Mrs. B. No, you couldn't see an elephant if it were 
right in front of your eyes. 

Mr. B. Weren't you the one that invited Lottie? 

Mrs. B. But you didn't have to ask the minister 
for the same evening. 

Mr. B. I'd forgotten rhe was coming this week. I 
was under the impression it was next week. 

Mrs. B. You never get anything through your head 
until after you Ve made a mess of it, , , 



4 The New Pastor 

Mr. B. Well, what's the use of quarreling over it? 
Isn't he just as good as she is? 

Mrs. B. It isn't that, but you know he is so straight- 
laced — 

Mr. B. Tight-laced, you mean, don't you? — His cor- 
set's too tight. 

Mrs. B. No, not that. He looks as if he might be 
terribly set against all kinds of amusements, especially 
dancing. 

Mr. B. You don't expect to have a dance here, do you? 

Mrs. B. But you know Lottie is a vaudeville star. 

Mr, B. I am well aware of it, but the reverend gentle- 
man need never know of it. Just introduce her as "my 
dear friend Charlotte Wells Colton." 

Mrs. B. That's all well enough if Lottie were not 
so enthusiastic over her work. She's just as liable to 
break into some love song right in the midst of her con- 
versation. 

Mr. B. Or a little bit of high stepping. 

Mrs. B. And if she should, wouldn't it be awfully 
embarrassing? 

Mr. B. Well, now, don't worry about that. Leave 
it all to me. I've got a little scheme I think will fix things 
all right. 

Mrs. B. What is your plan, dear? 

Mr. B. Why, you entertain Mr! Peters in the parlor 
while I take Miss Colton into the garden and have her 
show me one of her sky-punching dances. 

Mrs. B. That would just suit you, but you won't 
have the chance. You may stay and talk with the minis- 
ter and I will entertain Lottie. She's my guest and the 
minister is yours. 

Mr. B. Um-m, all right. We'll leave it that way. 
I'll take him out for a smoke. 

Mrs. B. What? The Rev. Mr. Peters? 

Mr. B. Oh, by George, I'd forgotten. What can we 
do? We'll go out and gaze at the sunset. 

Mrs. B. Here he comes now. I can always tell a 
clergyman's step, {A knock i§ heard, Mrs, Brown goes 
to dooVf L,) 



The New Pastor 5 

ENTER Mr. Peters, l. 

Mrs. B. Good evening, Mr. Peters. 

Mr. p. Good evening. Sister Brown. (Shake hands) 
Glad to see you, Brother Brown (Shake hands) 

Mr. B. We were just speaking about you. Wondered 
if you wouldn't be here soon. 

Mr. p. I always make it a point to keep my engage- 
ments promptly. I consider it just as important for a 
minister to do so as for a business man. (All sit) 

Mr. B. I quite agree with you there, elder, and for 
housewives, too. 

Mrs. B. You see, Mr. Peters, he wouldn't be satisfied 
if he couldn't give a rub at me now and then. 

Mr. B. Well, you ought to be mighty thankful, elder, 
that you're a single man, unburdened with the cares and 
trials of married life. 

Mr. p. I've often thought — er — that married life might 
be very pleasant. 

Mr. B. Let me advise you not to entertain any such 
ideas. If I had it all to do over again I'd 

Mrs. B. You'd marry the first girl that came your way. 

Mr. B. Oh, no, don't make me out so bad as that. 
By the way, we are expecting a young lady here this even- 
ing. Time she was here now. 

Mr. p. Ah, indeed! Is it one of my parishioners? 

Mrs. B. Oh, no, she doesn't reside in town. She is 
an old friend of ours. 

Mr. B. And a pretty lively girl she is, too. It will 
do you good to know her. 

Mrs. B. Now don't encourage Mr. Peters to build 
up any false hopes, because Lottie is already engaged. 

Mr. B. Engaged? Who to? 

Mrs. B. I don't know yet. She wrote me last week 
she was engaged to a gentleman in Boston, but she didn't 
tell me his name. 

Mr. B. That's news. You never told me about it. 

Mrs. B. Because you are never home. Youareahvays 
at the office or at the club. (Miss Colton is heard singing 
outside) 



6 The New Pastor 

ENTER L. Miss Colton with rush and embraces Mrs. 
Brown. 

Miss C. Oh, Madge, I'm so glad to see you, — and 
Mr. Brown, too. How are you? (Shakes hands with 
Mr. Brown. She sees Mr. Peters and appears surprised. 
Mr. Peters also acts strangely) Why — I beg pardon — I 
didn't know — • 

Mrs. B. Lottie, this is our new minister, Mr. Peters, — 
and Mr. Peters, make the acquaintance of our friend 
Charlotte Wells Colton. 

Miss C. Why, Mr. Peters, this is such a pleasure. 

Mr. p. And I am — ahem — very happy to meet you, 
Miss Colton. (They how) 

Miss C. Oh, Madge, I've got the dandiest stunt this 
year. I'm just dying to show you. 

Mrs. B. We will go into the library for a little while 
if the gentlemen will excuse us. 

Mr. p. Certainly, certainly. 

Mrs. B. Girl friends always have so much to talk 
about, you know, that wouldn't interest other people. 

Miss C. But we'll see you again, never fear. 

[EXEUNT R., Mrs. Brown and Miss Colton. Miss 
Colton trips or dances from stage] 

Mr. B. Well, elder, everything must seem strange to 
you here, but I think you will find there are worse places 
on the map than Grayville. 

Mr. p. No doubt of it — in fact I have suspicions of 
it already. 

Mr. B. We're a pretty good class of people here in 
general. None of us claim to be saints and none of us 
have served any great length of time in jail. We steer 
pretty well toward the middle of the road. 

Mr. p. From wha*t I have seen of the place and the 
people I am convinced that I shall enjoy it very much in 
Grayville. 

Mr. B. You will not find it a very progressive village. 
It seems to have come to a standstill. I'll guarantee it 



The New Pastor 7 

hasn't increased more than twenty-five in population in 
the past twenty years. 

Mr. p. Have you always lived here, Brother Brown? 

Mr. B. Oh, yes, born and brought up right here in 
this house. My wife was born in the next house on the 
right and Miss Colton was born in the one on the left. 
So you see we've always been neighbors right here to- 
gether. About five years ago Miss Colton's people moved 
to Boston, but we've always kept up the friendship and 
visited back and forth. I'll tell you right now Miss Col- 
ton's a mighty fine girl and anyone that gets her for a 
wife gets a peach. 

Mr. p. No doubt she has a good many suitors. 

Mr. B. I don't know how many she's got now, but 
she would have if she lived here, that is, she'd suit them 
but the question is whether or not they'd suit her. 

Mr. p. You do not appear to have an exalted opinion 
of your young men. 

Mr. B. Don't think that for a minute. We have some 
tip-top young men here, but they don't quite come up 
to the standard I have set for her. The man that gets 
her should be a first-class A, No. 1 man all around. 

Mr. p. Haven't you noticed they are often the ones 
who get the poorest husbands? 

Mr. B. Very true, but I hope not in her case. You 
take notice of her this evening and see if your opinion of 
her is not the same as mine. 

ENTER R. c, Miss Colton. 

Miss C. There's a man at the side door wants to see 
you right away, Mr. Brown. 

Mr. B. (rising). Excuse me for a moment, elder. 
I shall have to see what's wanted. 

Mr. p. Certainly. 

Mr. B. (turning back). By the way, where is Madge? 

Miss C. She is busy at the telephone. 

Mr. B. I'll tell her to come in as soon as she is through. 

Miss. C. Don't worry, Mr. Brown. I'll entertain Mr. 
Peters while you're gone,— (EXIT r. c, Mr. Brown. 



8 The New Pastor 

Miss Colton turns to audience) even if I have to do a 
''Salome." {She may execute a few simple dance steps, 
then turns and looks at the minister) Well, Frank. 

Mr. p. Well, Charlotte. {Both laugh) 

Miss C. Isn't it comical that we meet here to-night 
and neither host nor hostess have any idea that we have 
ever met before? 

Mr. p. I had all I could do to keep from laughing 
during the introduction. 

Miss C. I thought I should explode. 

Mr. p. I have just been listening to a eulogy upon 
yourself. 

Miss C. From Mr. Brown? And you let him go on 
with his silly talk? 

Mr. p. Why shouldn't I? It was very flattering, 
I assure you. 

Miss C. But if it had been the opposite? 

Mr. p. I would have come to your defense manfully. 

Miss C. You didn't let on that we were old friends 
in Boston? 

Mr. p. Not a word. 

Miss C. Good! Then we'll not give them a hint of 
it until after dinner. How it will surprise them. 

Mr. p. I'm with you. 

Miss C. But, really, I am surprised to find you here. 
How long have you been in Grayville? 

Mr. p. Since last Saturday. 

Miss C. How did you ever happen to land in this 
village? 

Mr. p. I'll relate briefly the history of my advent 
to your native village. The old minister who has been 
here for so many years 

Miss. C. Mr. Ferguson. 

Mr. p. The very same. Well, Mr. Ferguson was 
stricken with paralysis two weeks ago today. 

Miss C. What? Mr. Ferguson had a stroke of paraly- 
sis? I hadn't heard of it. 

Mr. p. Yes, and so the trustees of the church sent to 
the Theological Seminary for a successor. As it hap- 
pened, my old professor recommended me as the most 



/ 



The New Pastor 9 

available candidate. I came down Saturday on the ''Noon 
Special"; on Sunday delivered my trial sermon, and on 
Monday was duly installed as a full-fledged pastor. Thus 
you find me here, with the old adage proven that ''The 
world do move." 

Miss C. I should say as much. From the vaudeville 
stage to the pulpit in less than two years. 

Mr. p. Sh — not a word about it in Grayville until I 
am firmly established in my position. Some people, you 
know, have a foolish prejudice against the stage. 

Miss C. Then take my word for it, they're a lot of 
old fogies. 

Mr. p. Be that as it may, I wish to get my bearings 
first. 

ENTER R., Mrs. Brown. 

Mrs. B. Isn't Mr. Brown here? I left him to enter- 
tain you. 

Miss C. Mr. Brown has a caller. A gentleman came 
to see him. 

Mrs. B. So you have had to entertain yourselves, 
That is too bad. 

Miss C. We're getting along very nicely, aren't we, 
Mr. Peters? 

Mr. p. Very well, indeed. Don't be concerned about 
us in the least. Sister Brown. (Telephone bells rings off 

je) 

Mrs. B. Dear me! There's that telephone ringing 
again. I just came away from there. [EXIT r. 

Mr. p. Tell me all about yourself, Charlotte. It 
seems an age since I last saw you. 

Miss C. We reached home Monday night from our 
trip as I WTote you we would do. We've had a splendid 
season — played to crowded houses almost every night, 
and the applause we received — why, nothing like it since 
you and I had that little act together two years ago. 

Mr. p. I am glad to hear of it, but better yet, I should 
like to see the act itself. 

Miss C, Madge was afraid I might attempt to show 



10 The New Pastor 

it off when I first came, so she spirited me away into the 
library. She was afraid it might shock your ministerial 
dignity. 

Mr. p. Ho! ho! She doesn't know that our first 
meeting was on the stage. Perhaps she'll be wiser some 
day. 

Miss C. Of course I can't do the whole act, but I 
might give you one of the songs before Madge returns. 

Mr. p. I promise you that your present audience 
will not fall behind in the matter of applause. 

Miss C. Wait until you see it first. 

(She may sing a stanza of some popular song, accompanied 
by simple dance steps. Mr. Peters joins in the chorus. 
During the performance Mr. Brown ENTERS r. c. and 
stands at the rear amazed, hut also greatly amused. The 
singers do not see him. At the close of the stanza he ad- 
vances) 

Mr. B. By George! That was sHck! (Miss Colton 
and Mr, Peters start hack iri surprise) Say, Lottie, you're 
doing first-rate entertaining the elder. 

Mr. p. Beg pardon. Brother Brown, I fear our en- 
thusiasm has carried us beyond the bounds of propriety. 

Mr. B. Not at all. If you're satisfied, I am. Are 
there any more verses to that song, Lottie? 

Miss C. Why, yes, one or two more. 

Mr. B. Let's have another one. (He goes to r. and 
listens) Mrs. Brown is still at the telephone. (Miss Col- 
ton sings the second stanza, Mr. Brown and Mr. Peters 
joining in the chorus. Mr. Brown 77iay make a comic 
attempt at dancing. Mrs. Brown ENTERS during the 
performance and gazes in astonishment) 

Mrs. B. My eyes! What do I behold? Is this really 
you, Mr. Brown? 

Mr. B. Feels some like me only a little more frisky. 

Mrs. B. And Elder Peters, too. 

Mr. p. I am very sorry. Sister Brown, if we have 
offended you, but really I 

Mrs. B. Oh, I'm not offended. I'm surprised. Lottie, 
I must say ygu have beea leading these men in a merry 
danc©, 



( 



The New Pastor H 

Miss C. I think they did pretty well for the first 
time. 

, ^^?* n * £^^'^ ^^^ ^^ ^P ^Sainst Lottie. Blame me 
tor It all, {Fo others.) When it comes to dealing with 
my better half I am willing to shoulder all responsibility 
Mk p. I don't think Mr. Brown should be respon- 
sible tor it all. I am the one to blame and I humbly ask 
your pardon. 

Miss C. I'm sure that neither Mr. Brown nor Frank— 
I mean Mr. Peters are to blame. But for me, neither one 
would have thought of it. 

Mrs. B. Well, I must say I can't understand it all. 
Each one is willing to bear the blame and shield the others. 
More than that Lottie calls Mr. Peters by his given name. 
Why, even we did not know his name was Frank. It 
goes beyond my comprehension. 

Miss C. The cat is bound to get out of the bag, Mr 
Peters. {To Mrs. B.) Madge, I will clear up the mys- 
tery. Last week I wrote you that I was engaged to be 
married but I did not tell you the gentleman's name. 
Tonight I will do so. Allow me to present him to you 
now, in the person of Rev. Frank Algernon Peters. (Mr. 
Brown gives prolonged whistle) 

Mrs. B. Do you mean it, Lottie? Is it really true, 
Mr. Peters? 

Mr. p. It is quite true. Sister Brown, I am very 
happy to say. 

Miss C. We were going to wait until after dinner and 
then tell you everything, but you were too quick for us. 

Mr. B. Well, by George! You're a lucky man. You 
had your opinion already formed, I see. 

Mr. p. Do you think I will measure up to the stan- 
dard? 

Mr. B. You're all right. You will fill the bill. 

Mis& C. What kind of a minister's wife do you think 
I will make, Madge? 

Mrs. B. The ideal one according to my opinion, 

Mr. p. And mine, too. 

Miss C. At any rate I shall try to show the people 
of our parish that a little amusemeat now and tb§n mixed 



AUG 6 1912 
12 The New Pastor 

with the sordid cares of everyday life will help to make 
them live better and happier, and I have no doubt, longer 
lives. 

Mr. B. Let's all try another verse of that song to 
celebrate the occasion. (A II sing and dance if desired) 

CURTAIN 




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